Year recap || 2021

I haven't done a recap since 2018 and to be honest, I didn't think that I'd be making one this year either. Admittedly 2021 wasn't smooth, no. For the first time I started keeping notes on every month that passed on my wall calendar and even though it was kinda scary to see what was practically the chart of your mental health deteriorating, I definitely recommend it for accountability reasons.

Whilst still managing the emotional roller coaster that is my ongoing burnout, I would be ungrateful if I didn't acknowledge the chances that came my way and the lessons that the curveballs taught me. First and foremost, I completed my Diploma in the Music Industry, a project that remained a secret from the get-go. My aim was to try to have a career in the music industry so I invested on my education. Literally. In addition to the modules and assignments, I read any book I could get my hands on and watched countless roundtables and interviews. In the mean time I enrolled for Tour Management seminars, which was honestly one of the best decisions I've made. Getting an in-depth understanding, even theoretical, of the sector that has been my passion since I was a teenager was of crucial importance and has kept me motivated to actively pursue it once the pandemic allows it. Sure, my timing was nothing short of excellent but better late than never, right?

I was also fortunate that my dear friends in Kin Corruption let me get involved with their album release in the spring. The whole project gave me a beautiful sense of purpose, and getting to navigate the waters of self-releasing music and atypical management was a great challenge which gave me the chance to apply what I was learning about, while at the same time seek guidance from some of the best mentors I could ask for. I also got to rediscover one of my creative aspects and passions, makeup and SFX, by participating in INKtober. I got to travel and experience live music again even in timid forms, got to shoot a couple big shows, some of my pictures got published, I reconnected with people, started a podcast, something that I've wanted to do for years, became more confident in my French, picked up writing again, rediscovered my love for Defeater, started asking directly for the things that I wanted.

While bringing me to a breaking point on a couple occasions, especially in the recent months, 2021 taught me more about myself than the years before. I've always wrapped this "self-realization" part of the recap in a cloak of faking-that-I-know-what-I'm-doing-but-hope-it-works-out-along-the-way wisdom but I truly feel that it wasn't until now that I actually experience it, and have the will and strength to break toxic cycles and to actually move on. My self-awareness was, for lack of better word, amplified; circumstances opened my eyes to a bitter reality which I had been denying for years and my self-preservation instincts finally kicked in. If anything, I learned that it was time that I stopped being taken for granted and that I stopped seeing the good in people, but see what they show me instead. For a really long time I refused to be hurt so I just wasn't. But here I am now, hurting, and everything I'm feeling comes out aggressively. Embracing your emotions isn't a sign of weakness but a sign of healing. And when you're reborn from your ashes, no death can scare you. I know my worth, I know that I deserve better; if someone refuses to acknowledge it, that's on them. I won't hinder my growth anymore. 

And even if certain people took away pieces of me that I'll never get back, there were others who crashed into my life unexpectedly and helped make this year more bearable. Most of these people I haven't met yet in real life, some I may never meet but I'm beyond grateful for their presence, open ears, music suggestions, late night conversations, or just plain nerding out about things we're passionate about. I was also able to sit back more and listen, not trying to offer unsolicited solutions, but instead establishing a safe space where we would all share our fears, hopes and dreams. I am beyond appreciative for the network of support that surrounds me and will never take it for granted.

Wrapping things up, I read somewhere that manifesting essentially means that if you repeat something enough you start to believe it, canceling out years of low self-esteem and low self-worth. It stuck with me and I hope it sticks with some of you who have made it this far. Change depends on no one but us, it's not gonna come unless we bring it, so I'm manifesting this here; by this time next year, I will be living my dreams.

Happy new year, lovelies. Be kind to each other x